Sunday Confession #Insecurities

Oh boy. What can I write about insecurities that doesn't take up all day?

As a little girl growing up in an emotionally abusive household, I have enough insecurities about myself that could fill my house.

My weight is an issue, even when I was at my smallest, I still felt huge.
Now, I'm bigger than I would like and it affects every aspect of my life.

I feel ugly. I hate my hair, my skin, my everything. Who wants an ugly, fat, single mom of 4?
That's what goes through my head on a daily basis.
And that's the demon I have to fight on a daily basis.

I care way too much about what other people think of me. Sometimes I won't even speak because I worry about what they will say or think. I know not everyone is going to like who I am and I can tell myself that over and over until I choke on those words but that sense of dread is always present.

I remember being pregnant with Little One and throwing myself at my ex because I just wanted him to touch me. He would spend the night watching porn and talking to whatever girl he had on the side and I would be in my room silently crying myself to sleep. It took a very long time to find my sterner and kick him out. That was probably the strongest thing I did in my whole life.

I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to be that girl I was, crying in the dark, hoping noone will hear me.
 I've come a long way from her, but I know I still have a long road ahead of me.