(Hosted by More Than Cheese and Beer)
Sometimes I think it would be so easy to just turn everything off. I've always been an overemotional person and I think it has only gotten worse as I age.
I've felt so much hurt and so much guilt and so much rejection from just one person. But I've felt so much love too. It's the kind of love that consumes you which, thinking about it now, is probably not healthy for you.
I have to confess. My first love was not with the boys' dads. I thought I loved them but now I know it wasn't real. I found my first love at the age of 28. I never planned on loving him. I spent a great deal of my time gaming on World of Warcraft. I was so unhappy in my life, so depressed and smothered, that I found solitude in the game and the friends that I had made. He was one of them. And I remember, before ever knowing his real name or where he lived or what he looked like, that there was something special about him. I liked being in chat and watching the funny things he would come up with. He was a flirt with all of us in the group. (I grew close to probably about 10 people who made up the core of the guild) And we just laughed and chatted and it was always just that.
2 years after "knowing each other" we started chatting more and then more and eventually it lead to phone calls and emails (the first time I heard his voice, my whole body literally started to shake) and I still had no idea what he looked like. But it was that moment I knew I felt something more than friendship for him. Maybe if I had stayed away, or stopped playing the game, it never would have progressed. And I often wonder if he regrets letting it get that far too. It would have saved us tremendous amounts of pain.
But we were like moths drawn to the flame. We couldn't stay away. I craved to hear his voice, to talk to him. Eventually we decided to send pictures. And I saw him. His eyes were beautiful. Even typing this now causes a stir in my heart that I try so hard to push down. I feel my eyes moisten and I have to fight the urge to let the tears out.
And after I was too far gone did it really sink in that he lived on the other side of the world. I'm west coast, he's east coast. And if that wasn't enough, we also lived in different countries. Me in Canada and him in America. We should have stopped there. We should have known better. But the love we felt for each other wouldn't let us see reality. Everything was viewed in rose colored glasses. Mine were so pink you couldn't see anything else in them and his were just lightly frosted. I was all in. I thought we could conquer it all. He wasn't sure we could.
We made plans to meet. I would fly to him. We would see each other face to face and find out if these feelings existed when we were in the same room together. He chickened out. He cancelled on me. He ran. And I had my heart completely and utterly shattered. The man I was head over heels in love with, rejected that love and me. And that should have been it. I should have picked up the broken pieces of me and moved on. But I was at a standstill. I couldn't. I should have hated him. I should have regretted ever getting to know him. I should have let go. So many I should haves. But I didn't. And we found our way back to each other. Again. And again he ran and again I should have moved on. And again... And again. I let him break me way too many times. But I couldn't stop loving him. Which is so stupid. And so weak. How many times could I be rejected before I finally gave up? Before I could finally heal?
3 years of this "dance" (4 times he ran from me) and we finally met face to face. I spent a week in Michigan. A week of my life loving this man and being near him. A week where the very nearness of him would send my body into complete shivers even though it was summer and hot. And when that week was done, I was in tears the whole flight home. And days and days after that. I never knew how hard it would be. And it made me realize why he ran. Why he rejected these feelings. Why he compartmentalized it all. And made me wish on some level that I had let sleeping dogs lie. We couldn't be together. He has his daughter there and I have my boys here. Neither of us can move. And so we thought it best that we both move on. And so I did. And he didn't. And I feel guilty and sad and, I don't know. Now, I'm the one causing pain. I'm with someone who is really great, but I don't love him. He is kind, and thoughtful and attentive and I hate that I can't open myself up to him like he has to me.
And the guy in Michigan.. well... I need to forget. I need to bury those feelings deep down. He's hurting. I hate that he's hurting. He wants us to try. He says he is finally ready and now I'm the one rejecting him. Love isn't enough. A lesson I had to learn the hard way. It's a very tangled web I have weaved inside my heart and I don't know how to fix it. And I wish I did.
