Cheers!

Do people even really make resolutions anymore? I know we all wish for better health, lost weight, more money, love... all the major things and/or problems that we would like to either change or fix about ourselves.

But why do we need to make a yearly wish to be someone different? Why can't our resolutions be more about what we give out to the world? How we treat others? How we are treated? How we can set good examples for the children who will inherit everything?

I try so hard to teach my boys values and respect. But its hard when all around you, not one of those values are being displayed. I suppose, when the boys do witness a shining star of an example of the values I am trying to instill in them, it is a greater lesson learned because they know that it is a rare occurrence.

I witness kids disrespecting their parents, disrespecting each other and those around them. I see them run across the street on a green light and then yell and scream at the driver *who could have hit them* who had the right of way all along. I see young boys calling each other fags and idiots, kicking in front doors or walls or each other and say they are only "playing around" I see young girls calling each other bitches and whores and not truly understanding what it is they are saying. I refuse to allow my boys to have an ask.fm account because it is full of bullies telling each other to kill themselves or to rate the kids in their classes according to who they would kill, date or marry. ( Kill? Seriously? This baffles me) Constant reminders that others think they are not good enough or pretty enough. It breaks my heart to see children using such hateful words to each other.

And I know I'm a hypocrite for shaking my head at these kids because I have called my friends bitches and whores.The difference though, is that I am not purposely trying to hurt someone.

 I know bullying has been around for a very long time so this isn't new; and there are people who are trying to end it, to give kids a fighting chance at being happy. We have lost too many already. But its changed. It's morphed into this great force that people have a hard time fighting or even really noticing.

I feel relieved to have all boys honestly. Its scary to have them go into middle school and be rated by how they look, how they dress, how they act. My boys aren't considered "popular" Girls don't chase them, don't talk about how "cute" they are. But they aren't considered "geeks" either. They have found their own little spots in their school world and have made some really good friends. And, I hope, they know that they are just as important as anyone else around them. Just as good looking, just as special and just as worth a chance at life as everyone else.

So this year, instead of wishing to be skinny (bc lets face it, I'm fat and would love to lose weight) or rich (don't we all?) or happier (smiles are so much nicer than frowns), I'm going to try to make sure that I give out what I would like to see in return.

Cheers to integrity, cheers to respect,  and cheers to leaving a world that our children can be proud of!

An Inside view

My whole life, I've never really been the type to open up about certain things. I can count on one hand how many people know truly everything about me, and even they are missing some information.

The one thing I always had though was my writing. Ever since I can remember, I've had diaries, journals, blogs...

But they have always been private, for the most part. Not even my mom has read them. And there are some pretty dark and terrifying passages that would only hurt her if she did.

She knew of the abuse from my step father, to some extent. But there are still things I hide from her about it. I don't need her feeling guilty for something she could not control. She too, was also in her own kind of hell from him.
To this day, she can't think of or say his name without tears coming to her eyes.
She would just blame herself more if she knew.

And I like to think I came out of it pretty unscathed compared to what others have gone through. I don't call myself a victim because I don't feel like one. Not anymore. I feel as though, if I looked at myself that way, he would still have some sort of power over me.

I've struggled with depression for more than half my life. I viewed my love life as the way to define who I was. If someone loved me, it would prove my stepfather wrong. And because I never had what I wanted, I always thought myself a failure, which led to the depression. It was a vicious cycle that I allowed myself to be a part of.

Now, I have finally taken control of my life and my heart. I know who I am and what I want, more importantly, what I deserve. It’s a day by day process and I know I can fall so easily back into the depression that swallowed me whole last time. But I anchor myself to my boys and my love for them and they help me stay afloat.
What kind of world am I showing them if I am too afraid to step out into it? I am the window that those boys look through to see how to handle life and handle love, disappointment, sadness. They learn from me. And yet, I find myself learning from them.

 I wrote a facebook post about a year ago that I think sums up where I am at.

 

Dear life,
Sometimes I forget to get back up after you have kicked me down. Often I just don’t want to, I  need time to lick my wounds and heal the bruises. But eventually, I will stand back up, I will face you and I will push against all that that you throw at me.

 Maybe I didn’t do things “the right way” But I’ve always been one to dance to my own beat.. as irritating as it is to those closest to me. I hope that I can still be a good role model to my boys. That they can see, that no matter what is thrown against them, all they need to do is get back up, to keep on going and to face life head on.

 Maybe I’m too sensitive, or negative, or a lot of things at times, but I am strong. I know this now. And I will fight and I will win.

And I will. I know I will.

Sunday Confession #Family

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to be a mom.
I always dreamed about that one true love who would be my partner, my love and the father of my children.
My whole life was defined by it. I loved love.
I was always a shy child and never really had boys show any interest in me.
 I grew up in an abusive home, my step father always yelling and putting my mom and me down.
He would tell me that I would never be happy, that no one would ever love me.
I suppose that lack of self esteem was what helped prohibit my ability to speak up in school when I did like a boy. I did end up dating someone who at first I really liked. But he was withdrawn and even more quiet than me.
As he was "falling in love" I was learning about what I wanted and, in his case what I didn't want. I ended up getting pregnant and didn't want to marry someone I didn't love solely because I was having a baby.
 So at 19 years old, I became a single mother to twin boys.
Oh how those boys changed my life. I loved being a mom, they made my life so happy and I only had brief moments where I was lonely. I dated on and off but never really found that love that I had dreamed of.
I was so depressed that I let that affect my choices and ended up with a man who ran when he found out I was pregnant, and 3 months later, a different man who ended up "adopting" my unborn child and 2 years later, we had our own. But I wasn't happy, I didn't truly love him and he didn't love me. I kicked him out.
That was 3 years ago and now I'm a single mom of 4 boys, no prospects of love, no real career, no house of my own and I feel as though I'm a huge disappointment to my family. I can't be proud of myself because they aren't proud of me.
I hate family reunions because all they ask is if I met someone. I'm the only single mom out of 20+ grandchildren. And I'm one of the youngest.
I'm glad that I live far away from them because I would hate to live under their disappointing eyes for so long.
The only people in my family who I know don't judge me and love me unconditionally are my mom and my little brother. I'm so happy that I have them and that we are close. It makes everything else seem like nothing at all.