Sunday, 29 December 2013

Sunday Confession #Family

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to be a mom.
I always dreamed about that one true love who would be my partner, my love and the father of my children.
My whole life was defined by it. I loved love.
I was always a shy child and never really had boys show any interest in me.
 I grew up in an abusive home, my step father always yelling and putting my mom and me down.
He would tell me that I would never be happy, that no one would ever love me.
I suppose that lack of self esteem was what helped prohibit my ability to speak up in school when I did like a boy. I did end up dating someone who at first I really liked. But he was withdrawn and even more quiet than me.
As he was "falling in love" I was learning about what I wanted and, in his case what I didn't want. I ended up getting pregnant and didn't want to marry someone I didn't love solely because I was having a baby.
 So at 19 years old, I became a single mother to twin boys.
Oh how those boys changed my life. I loved being a mom, they made my life so happy and I only had brief moments where I was lonely. I dated on and off but never really found that love that I had dreamed of.
I was so depressed that I let that affect my choices and ended up with a man who ran when he found out I was pregnant, and 3 months later, a different man who ended up "adopting" my unborn child and 2 years later, we had our own. But I wasn't happy, I didn't truly love him and he didn't love me. I kicked him out.
That was 3 years ago and now I'm a single mom of 4 boys, no prospects of love, no real career, no house of my own and I feel as though I'm a huge disappointment to my family. I can't be proud of myself because they aren't proud of me.
I hate family reunions because all they ask is if I met someone. I'm the only single mom out of 20+ grandchildren. And I'm one of the youngest.
I'm glad that I live far away from them because I would hate to live under their disappointing eyes for so long.
The only people in my family who I know don't judge me and love me unconditionally are my mom and my little brother. I'm so happy that I have them and that we are close. It makes everything else seem like nothing at all.

1 comment:

  1. Girl, you need a drink and a vacation.
    I'm so heartbroken for you. I hope you will find strength and know that your writing is great.
    Take care.