An Inside view

My whole life, I've never really been the type to open up about certain things. I can count on one hand how many people know truly everything about me, and even they are missing some information.

The one thing I always had though was my writing. Ever since I can remember, I've had diaries, journals, blogs...

But they have always been private, for the most part. Not even my mom has read them. And there are some pretty dark and terrifying passages that would only hurt her if she did.

She knew of the abuse from my step father, to some extent. But there are still things I hide from her about it. I don't need her feeling guilty for something she could not control. She too, was also in her own kind of hell from him.
To this day, she can't think of or say his name without tears coming to her eyes.
She would just blame herself more if she knew.

And I like to think I came out of it pretty unscathed compared to what others have gone through. I don't call myself a victim because I don't feel like one. Not anymore. I feel as though, if I looked at myself that way, he would still have some sort of power over me.

I've struggled with depression for more than half my life. I viewed my love life as the way to define who I was. If someone loved me, it would prove my stepfather wrong. And because I never had what I wanted, I always thought myself a failure, which led to the depression. It was a vicious cycle that I allowed myself to be a part of.

Now, I have finally taken control of my life and my heart. I know who I am and what I want, more importantly, what I deserve. It’s a day by day process and I know I can fall so easily back into the depression that swallowed me whole last time. But I anchor myself to my boys and my love for them and they help me stay afloat.
What kind of world am I showing them if I am too afraid to step out into it? I am the window that those boys look through to see how to handle life and handle love, disappointment, sadness. They learn from me. And yet, I find myself learning from them.

 I wrote a facebook post about a year ago that I think sums up where I am at.

 

Dear life,
Sometimes I forget to get back up after you have kicked me down. Often I just don’t want to, I  need time to lick my wounds and heal the bruises. But eventually, I will stand back up, I will face you and I will push against all that that you throw at me.

 Maybe I didn’t do things “the right way” But I’ve always been one to dance to my own beat.. as irritating as it is to those closest to me. I hope that I can still be a good role model to my boys. That they can see, that no matter what is thrown against them, all they need to do is get back up, to keep on going and to face life head on.

 Maybe I’m too sensitive, or negative, or a lot of things at times, but I am strong. I know this now. And I will fight and I will win.

And I will. I know I will.